Family, Life, Living, Writing

Will I Ever Be Good Enough…?

A friend of mine recently posted a meme with a question…

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There comes a point when you have to realize that you’ll never be good enough for some people. The question is, is that your problem or theirs? 

I have thought of this MANY, MANY times myself. It’s time I answer this for me too my friend. However, before I answer this with the quick rebuttal of , ” Theirs. You just be good enough for yourself. That’s all that matters. 💯 true to you. Period, the end.”

I have two questions that come to mind when asked the above question. Number 1 is when it comes down to it, why are you worried if you are good enough for “some people”? And Number two, why are you worried about whose problem it is, if it is anyone’s at all? Now, let me answer these in my own professional opinion. Because it matters.  😉

If you are worried about #1, this would be insecurity. I have some, I admit. I have a lot when it comes to family. Ever since I was little. Did I do it right? Did I do it as good as my big sister and my big brother? Am I as smart as them? Are my parents as proud of me as they are of them? I lived my life the way I wanted to and not the way they would have done it. I took the road less traveled, several times. I made mistakes. I still make mistakes.  I made sacrifices. I made a life that I have to live in. Of course I will always wonder these questions.  I finally realize that I must move on from this. The constant wondering, the constant worrying. It isn’t good for my well-being, my soul. I have tortured myself long enough and have been hard on myself for too long. Why couldn’t I be more like my older siblings? They have their crap together. They seem to,  “have it all”.  I am almost 44 years old and I don’t feel like I have my “crap together”. I did at one point in my life. ONE TIME. I felt like I “had it all”. The house, car, family life, job, living the “dream”. Did I ever hear a “We are so proud of you?” or a “Wow, you are doing really well for yourself?” No, no I did not. I think I heard a “hmm well guess you have everything now huh?” – Nothing changed but the way of MY OWN THINKING. I thought to myself, I’ll do really, really well for myself, then they will be proud of me, then they will say atta girl.  I think that is what I was looking for. Validation. Validation that I was living my life the way that THEY think I should be living it. So the point of that is, well, I should live my life the way I want to because it doesn’t matter what “they” think. If I keep worrying how I am living my life according to their standards, I will always be thinking, “am I good enough”. I have to stop. Stop beating myself up. I don’t HAVE to be like them. I don’t HAVE to feel like I’m not good enough. I need to be ME, do ME. Do whatever the heck I want in my crazy, not-so-perfect life. I live with the choices, the outcomes. Does that hurt them inside? Maybe, but if they are the family that they should be, they will always, always be supportive. They would always say, do what makes YOU happy Charlene, even though they might be thinking “even though that is not what I would do”. What if they don’t say that? Then you move on. You chalk it up to they are not “that” family. They are them, and that’s ok. You be YOU. 

Let’s dissect the question a little bit more. What people? You say “some people”. Do you mean friends? Family? Or just random people? Or guys/girls? Again, you know what? Stop worrying about those “some people”. I have to tell myself this, in fact, I will right now. Charlene – don’t you pay any attention to “those people”. Why would we waste our precious time, our precious breath with one iota of a thought or word towards these negative, hurtful people. Although, maybe they are not negative or hurtful? Maybe they never voice much to you, but you still have these thoughts about “am I good enough”. I honestly think, if I …or you, have to ask, maybe you shouldn’t hang around these people. Don’t put yourself in a position where you have to be near them. Find new friends, find a new tribe. Find your people, because they are probably not it.

Number 2 – Why does it have to be their problem or yours? Or anyone’s? It’s a way of thinking, you think you’re not good enough. Well, I’m here to tell you, you ARE good enough. God made you beautiful, important, unique. You are one of a kind. You are His. You are special and terrific. You matter. You may dance to the beat of your own drum and you know what? That is OK. If anyone thinks you are not good enough, then who cares? That is their opinion and we all know that opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one. HA!  (sorry I had to say that) What I really mean is that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And my opinion is that you are AMAZING. I’m amazing. You know why? Because out of the 7.7 billion people on this earth God made you, and me. That’s pretty special don’t you think? We all have our unique qualities, quirks and qualms. That is what makes us, well us.

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That’s right, His image. Also, what does that say? He looks “past your mistakes”. That is pretty nifty right there. Does your family, or friends or “those people” do that? Why wouldn’t they? Don’t they think you are perfect just the way you are? Stop thinking of what they think of you. God says you are a masterpiece. For those of you that would like more detail on that… masterpiece: “a work of outstanding artistry, skill, or workmanship”. So there you have it.

I have finally answered the burning questions of am I good enough or did I do it right. Yes I am and it doesn’t matter. What is right or wrong? I did it the way I wanted to. I got that tattoo of my son’s foot, I have to live with it. It’s mine and I rather like it. I lived in and sold 4 houses and have not really “settled down”. Those were my choices. Wrong or right, it does not matter. Maybe all of these decisions are leading me to the life I have always wanted and dreamed of. Maybe they are leading me to somewhere better, somewhere I need to be. Maybe not physically, but mentally.

Am I happy, yes. I finally choose to be. Do I have everything I want, no. Do I have everything I need, yes. Is my life “perfect”, not at all. Is it “good enough” for me, yes. If it’s not and that answer is no, I’ll be the one to change it. I’ll change it when I want to, when the time is right and when it works for me. Or I will at least I will work on it the best way I know how. My way. It might not be “some people’s” way or “some people’s” thoughts of how you should do it, but that’s ok. Do it your way, do you.

 

I really, really hope this has helped you. Shoot, it helped me.

xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Celebration, Christmas, Cookies, Life, Mom Life, Writing

So, what to do now? At 43…We make Christmas Cookies!

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I’ve been super ADHD lately. I have never been diagnosed but I am 99.9% sure that I am. Just today, on my way to work, the conversation in my head went something like this… “I really want to start my own business…like the Art store I’ve been thinking about, or wait maybe a coffee shop, the “Insert cute name here” coffee shop. Or, I could do both. Coffee shop by day and art shop by night? Well…that might be a lot of work. Maybe I could just make videos on You Tube. So many success stories out there. I could do crafting, I love making cards and scrapbooks…or cooking! I do love my Pampered Chef and I do have some videos out there already. Ugh, but when do I have time to make those videos? Life with a 4 and 6 year old is busy! Not too mention LOUD. They hardly ever close their cute little mouths. Hmmm maybe I’ll just go back to school and be a teacher. Then I could teach cooking and art and DO IT ALL!! hahahaha”

Do any of you feel that way? My husband always looks at me like I’m crazy. I can’t help it I just want to make something of myself I guess to be important, to matter. It would be nice to hear someone say “we’re proud of you” or “we’re proud of what you’ve done with your life”.

In the meantime I just spend time with my kids as much as I can in between work, and we make sugar cookies. It was worth coloring the icing four different colors, and spending three hours working on cookies and coloring and decorating. It made for some really pretty pictures this Christmas and some great memories. That is what matters to us, building these memories for my children so they can look back and say we had such a fun childhood filled with great Christmas traditions and memories!

Life, Living, Mom Life, Parenting, Writing

Things To Say…

So, I have some things to say. I’ve always been a writer and a talker, but mostly a talker. However, I’ve always loved to write and I’m not sure why I don’t do it more often. Probably because I just don’t have the time. I’m a part-time, working mom, and taking care of a Pre-Schooler and 1st Grader. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you, that’s a handful. At least in my world it is. 😉

A few things have been bothering me. Maybe you can relate to this or at least understand my points of view. I have a couple of pet peeves and I will elaborate on this. This is just my opinion, and like that even matters (haha!), but I love to write about things that others only think about. Especially things that people think but do not say.

So here we go…

Did you ever notice that we are now older but not wiser? We have more money, but we are not richer. We have more conveniences but do we have more time? We have more friends, (ie 365 friends on Facebook) but we are lonely. We have more toys, tools and gadgets and gizmos but are bored out of our minds! These are the “things” that are truly bothering me these days!

I guess to start, I am just feeling my age! I’m 43 and I do feel older, a lot older. But when I really think about it, do I feel wiser? I did get my Associates degree, and a Culinary Diploma, but I really don’t feel any “smarter”. I have friends and associates that continued on with school, obtained their Bachelor’s and now have that “dream job” or that “career they’ve always wanted”. Way to go friend. I feel like I was in that same educational “race” but then tripped on a rock or bump and I have stumbled into a learning abyss, I fell flat on my face and never crossed the finish line. I don’t believe that I’ll be advancing or moving forward because I’m stuck in that comfy rut. In my job that “pays pretty good” and that gives me that schedule that is convenient for my kids and I. But is this what I really want?? Will this “job” fulfill me and have me thinking, this is the best job for me and I’m finally happy! In the end, that is all we really want, to be happy. To feel we have accomplished and succeeded. Are 95% of us feeling this way? Are you looking for motivational Periscope videos too and signing up on Linked In to make connections with people that you will never come close to meeting or being in their “circle”?? Is it just me?

What I mean by we are richer but we have less money, is exactly that. We are making more money than we did 10 years ago, but we don’t really have money. Things are more expensive, there are now daycare costs and other costs we never even dreamed of. We are working moms, paying for daycare costs to help take care of our kids, which would cost us nothing if we were just able to stay home! Part of our pay is going to those costs, along with subscriptions to Ipsy, Sephora and Birchbox, so we can get products to help us look better and feel better about being a tired mother. We are also going broke paying for those uber convenient meals-in-a-box like Hello Fresh, Blue Apron and the like so we can get dinner on the table in 30 minutes because life is crazy and we are exhausted from working all day. The last thing we want to do is meal plan, grocery shop or cook a home cooked meal for God’s sake! Not to mention, we are buying more of those convenience foods like toaster breakfasts, lunch in a bento box, or even just forking out the $3.30 per hot lunch per day for our kiddos. Then we factor in the pizza at least once a week or even twice a week due to sports, extra curricular activities and just being down right tired! What about school pictures – 2 x a year @ at least $25 a pop, plus all of those darn fundraisers for the school? I mean, I’m all for buying some delicious cookie dough (thank you Otis) but darn, I sure as heck didn’t figure $30 into the food budget for that! Or what about the jump-a-thon, dance-a-thon, jog-a-thon or bike-a-thon fundraisers! Did you factor all of that into your budget?? Does your budget allow for all of this or do you somehow just make it work, like I do???  Do you see what I mean about not having any money? Because after all this, I am pretty much broke. Well, I have money for the wine and bourbon that we feel we need to have because we are so stressed about money (and kids! haha)…so after buying that, we definitely have no money. (I’m kidding, but you get the idea right???)

We have all these conveniences but do we have more time? We have a microwave that can “nuke” our food in minutes, yet we still spend hours in the kitchen! We spend hours on You Tube and Facebook watching foodie and recipe videos and we still have no idea what to cook for dinner! We have a cell phone where we can order food in minutes, buy tickets, shop for anything anywhere at anytime, check our emails, voicemails, talk to people with the push of a button, order groceries, buy something and have it delivered in 2 hours, look up information and ask Google or Alexa for anything. Yet we are still rushed, pressed for time, stressed about everything we have to get done and have even more to do now than we did 20 years ago. I’m constantly hearing my parents say, “When I was your age, we didn’t have to worry about cell phones or giving our kids tablets or electronic devices!”….Oh my gosh, how in the world did you order a pizza, check the weather,do that book report or get your kids to listen??? The answers were, call it in, watch the nightly news at 10 pm, go to the library and spank them! But these things took time! So, if we are saving SO much time by having a cell phone (ordering online), looking up the weather online or using the internet for that book report, where is all the saved time going?? I figure that would save us about 4 – 5 hours right there! Where did it go? And then there is the hour that we saved by microwaving our dinner. Plus the two hours that we didn’t waste grocery shopping at the physical store, hmmm…that is at least 8 hours! Dang, I could do A LOT with 8 more hours in the day! Even if you cut that in half, that is four freaking hours! Well, I suppose I didn’t get to level 255 in Candy Crush overnight.

I never used to have 365 friends. At least I don’t think I had that many in my “contacts” or “address book” as it was called then. I had maybe 30 or 40? So, now that Facebook helped me find all these people that “I might know”, I seem to be lingering around the 365 mark of “Friends”. Thank you Facebook for also importing them ALL into my contacts on my phone.  Did I know I was doing that at the time?? Now I have eight, yes that is 8, Michelle’s in my phone that I’m pretty sure I have no idea who they are but you seem to think they are my “friends”. Well, I may know 1 of them, and we might have been close at one time. (This is an example! One of my best-est friends is a Michelle!) Do you see my point?? So, why is it that I feel lonelier than ever? It could be that I’m a 43-year-old mom with younger aged children and most of the moms my age kids are graduating high school. Or it could be that most ladies my age are settled down in a house and I’m now in an apartment. Or it could be because stupid Facebook said and led me to believe these people would be my friend and they are not! I might hear from about 25 of them on a daily basis, if that! In fact, just recently that number of 365 dwindled to 273 and not one of those 92 people even reached out to say hey, why did you delete me? Hmm, not so much a friend in the end. We use social media so much these days like Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Linked In, so why do we feel so disconnected? We are losing our “connections” by putting our face into an electronic device instead of picking up the phone and saying “hey, I miss you, let’s talk”.  But…we are saving time by not picking up the phone and having that 2-hour phone call and texting instead…so where did those 2 hours go that we saved?? Well, we spend 1 hour on the phone texting that person, then spent 1 hour playing Farmville? However we also sent 3 emails, made 2 appointments and listened to 4 voicemails. *Sigh*

So nowadays, we have less time, we are busier, more stressed, have less money and feel lonelier. Internet to blame? Social Media? Most people say that social media brings their family closer. Hmm, I have to disagree myself. I’m sure others would disagree as well. They would see that picture of the girl’s night out that they didn’t get invited to and be like “that bxxxx didn’t invite me!”. Hmmm, that has ever happened to me. (RIGHT!)

We have all these cool gadgets from Pampered Chef, Harbor Freight, Best Buy, Fry’s, we have tablets and devices, game systems and toys…oh so many toys, but we are bored. Our kids can’t sit and “play” for five minutes without saying “I don’t have anything to do”…as I look around in the SEA of toys surrounding them. We can’t wait in a line for 3 minutes without pulling out our cell phone and checking our Facebook feed or sending a text. We are constantly looking for that instant gratification or quick fix. We are all a bunch of junkies! That’s it. We are junkies who haven’t much money, we are short on time, without real friends, with too much stuff.

I have recently moved from state to state. I’ve lost touch with some of my friends, well all of them really. I wonder why they don’t call or text even, but then I realize I haven’t called either. It’s been a hard few months transitioning from a home to an apartment. It’s still hard. I have been purging like crazy because like I said above, we have too much “stuff”. It’s all been a learning experience.

I hope to make some new friends here or at least reconnect with some old ones. I don’t have much time because I am a busy working mother, but hey maybe you can come over and I’ll open up a Hello Fresh bag and that bottle of bourbon I was talking about?

I hope you liked my rant and my “deep thoughts”. I do love writing and hope I get to do it again soon…